The Mechanics of My Mind

There is a mystery in my mind,
One that I have never been able to answer.
When people ask, my words falter me.
Or, does my brain falter me?
I haven’t made up my mind.
‘But, you’re okay though, right?’

A machine works in a specific way.
A way that is set, not interchangeable.
If the machine is well looked after,
Well oiled then it works well.
A machine for a lifetime.
There are no mechanics in my mind.

There are no systems, no structures.
It is a mess of thoughts & feelings.
Thoughts waiting to be unthought.
Unthought thoughts waiting to be thought.
Thoughts that seem to be manifested.
Thoughts that I should think dictated by the ‘normal’ people.

Feelings cause more issue.
I feel things I think I shouldn’t feel.
I feel things and I don’t know whether they are real.
Have I manifested them to fit in?
I feel many emotions I don’t want to feel.
I am lost in the mechanics of my mind.

I spent so long conforming.
Blocking out all of the thoughts & feelings,
The ones which have unknown origins.
Since I have stopped I have started to sink.
I am lost in the fog, I am lost in the despair.
I should not be happy, I can not be happy.
I can only pretend.
Whilst I get lost in this unknown torrent.

But, I Will Save Myself.

-@little_speaks